Not for the reasons you may think! Welcome back to our regularly scheduled content and sorry for yesterday…but life happens and it isn’t all puppies and kittens so!
Anyway, today started out super nice actually, I woke up I felt great, thought to myself: I think I look a little better and I know I feel better” I carried that momentum all throughout my morning routine and me and the little ones had a nice fun filled morning full of play, I knew my morning workout was coming up on me and it filled me with dread.
As I stated in a prior post….when it rains it pours. I had to FORCE myself to workout this morning after J went down for his nap, I knew this part of the plan was coming as it so often does and I also knew that the amount of excuses I had to get out of it were also piling up. I turned on a podcast and quickly switched it off because it just wasn’t doing it for me, rock and roll or bust today I’m afraid to say.
I got through the workout I chastised myself for being so stubborn and eager to find a way out of getting myself back in shape and back on track! I ate breakfast, nothing heavy or overly filling and I had my water, I was getting ready to go back down for a second round of abdominal workouts when my husband came home from PT. Naturally I was excited for the company, I knew he could keep me distracted from the real task at hand and it would no doubt be a breeze.
Let’s jump off topic so we can stay on topic okay?
I have a horrible self esteem problem, any negative comment goes straight to my head and I fixate on it for MONTHS and depending on how bad I think it is sometimes YEARS, my memory is deep and long for things that aren’t as severe as I make them out to be.
I was having a good day, I was doing a good job, I was making my way through the hardest part rather smoothly and was giving myself a firm round of (a) ss pats when my husband slipped this little doozy on me: your stomach makes me think of you when you were pregnant”
Can anyone say gutted. Because I was, honestly it took me by surprise, I know I don’t look the same way I did 4 years ago but that really crushed me and my already low self esteem. I am working on it, it is a ME problem but I’m sure there is any number of things no one wants to hear when trying to better themselves and then to have it said to them, ouch!
I don’t even think gutted is the right word to describe how I felt. As ashamed as I am to say this I promptly rolled over onto said pregnant belly and silently cried for a little while. It wasn’t said with malicious intent, (as he’s been reassuring me all day now) but I feel like I’ve been working hard and that was truthfully the last thing I ever wanted to hear.
The silent treatment followed, (childish I know) and it wasn’t even because I was mad, I just didn’t know how to respond and I was disappointed in myself for getting so ahead and not remembering the very words I am constantly spewing out. “This is going to take a long time” “This is not going to happen overnight”
And it isn’t. But I do see some progress, and not just that but my energy levels are becoming insanely good, yeah I’m a little moody but my patience isn’t so easily tested either, so progress? Yes, even if it is a little it is SOMETHING. And that’s nothing to turn my nose up at.
I can walk up a few flights of stairs and not be an out of breath mess afterwards, a trip to the car for groceries and back again doesn’t leave me winded for ten minutes and unable to put things away. My knees feel less strained when I go to stand or if I have to sit in an awkward position for too long. There is some change and there is a difference, even if my husband and no one else can see it.
People say you shouldn’t lose weight/get in shape for anyone but yourself and that is very true, if I ignore people who tell me that I am going about this the wrong way and that I shouldn’t be so worried about how I look I can’t be cut down when I hear something negative. People have a right to their opinion, I need to manage my emotions and how I react to said opinions and move on.
So….with that being said the way I responded was horrific and dangerous and I am ashamed of myself. I almost killed myself at the gym today, worked out four times (at home) and only ate once….today was a horrible day. Not in the regular I ate bad, fell of the wagon didn’t workout way…..it was more emotional/mental and I was not prepared.
I behaved dangerously out of spite and to try and prove a point. Just because I feel/see a change doesn’t mean everyone else will. And just because I don’t like the way my husband phrases things (boy does he need to work on his compliment game) doesn’t mean I get to shut down and starve myself, it isn’t healthy, it isn’t safe and it isn’t how I want to do things.
Your mental health is just as important as your physical health and I need to grow some thicker skin if I am going to make it through this unscathed and still in love with not only myself but the people around me who do mean well…..today was horrible, tomorrow WILL be better. I will be better prepared. I wasn’t going to post this but I am very glad I did.
How do you guys deal with emotional setbacks? Also any low calorie delicious ‘late night’ snack ideas? I am usually knocked out before 10 but my eating is all out of whack today, I’m hoping to make myself something sufficient but healthy! Until next time.