Choices (sorta) pt. 2

Was it: just keep swimming?
Or: just keep screaming?
A semi connected part 2 to Choices.

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We’ve been talking about deployments a lot lately. Makes my anxiety spike through the roof, of course he is excited and I try not to squash that excitement but sometimes my questions betray how I honestly feel about it. (Not the happiest camper but we are working on it)

I think worry is a normal emotion to feel, things happen all the time and you can’t plan around them, my husband feels as if he is invincible and nothing bad could ever happen to him but I know better. He does too he just doesn’t want to admit it.

On one hand I am glad he spares me all the gory details of WHAT could go wrong, on the other hand the internet is a thing and so is the news and you cannot avoid the reality of your situation for long.

I secretly hope he never gets deployed and know that I am hoping in vain. I love having my little family back together but there is always this big looming cloud creeping in the distance, it stalks ever closer every single day and no matter how much I try to turn my back or block it out I can’t. That cloud is apart of my life now and will loom over all of our joyous lifetime events and disrupt pre-laid plans.

And of course one day it WILL catch up to us. I have a little wiggle room and leeway to get myself and my emotions under control, admittedly it isn’t as much as I would like.

When my husband isn’t here I have to be both parents, I’ve learned how to do that pretty easily thus far but I know the older my son gets the harder it’ll be, there are just some things I won’t be able to relate to. My husband worries too, the thought of missing out on even more is the only wall he struggles to overcome when talking about all the good that’ll come from a deployment.

He was overjoyed when he found out we were having a boy,(what dad isn’t though) he was literally telling strangers in the waiting room what we were having and I didn’t have the heart to stop him because his happiness is infectious sometimes.

Not to mention I was thrilled too, we had been referring to J as a boy long before we knew so getting that confirmation was a rush to say the least. Everyone always talks about how much he looks just like his dad and for the longest time he couldn’t see it, all he could see were his big brown eyes and his nose and cheeks that he swore were all mine. It wasn’t until very recently he admitted that he might have a mini twin. (he does!)

They share so many mannerisms and facial expressions I often wonder how it took him so long to see his spitting image looking back at him. Or maybe he saw it and didn’t want to crush my hopes of him looking more like me than his dad, which everyone happily denied and didn’t stop to spare my feelings even once. (Thanks guys..)

We joke that I’ll need to invest in a better camera and just strap it to myself and one to the dog for day to day snapshots of his life….but I’m starting to think that wouldn’t be a horrible idea.

I want time to just fly by, the thought of him deploying makes me anxious and as horrible as this is to say I would like to hurry up and get it over with, the not knowing and waiting for him to deliver the news is killing me, I know it is coming, there is no avoiding it, be it in a week two or a few months the news is coming.

The longer this waiting game plays out the more I know I’ll be agitated and quick to pick arguments, not that they ever last long in this house, being highly ticklish and not able to hold a straight ‘mad face’ doesn’t put odds in your corner to hold an argument.

It is so hard to stay mad at someone who has no control over where they’re going or when and even worse still, someone who is masking their fear and apprehension with false excitement, sometimes he doesn’t want to go and that makes sense.

As we draw closer to J’s first birthday I know the thought of leaving is getting harder and harder. For all the milestones he did miss J is making up time and doing a bunch of new things just for his dad. (or at least I’m pretty sure that’s what is happening) Wobbly steps and attempting to snap fingers is becoming a favorite after hours activity. If dad is in the bathroom shaving J is right there talking to him through the process. Anything dad eats J has to have at least one nibble of. I think I can strongly confirm that he will have his dads appetite.

Sprawled out on the floor playing with the dog…give him a few minutes and J will come crawling to join the fun, besides after a long (probably boring) day/week with mom dad is so much more interesting and fun! Plus he does all the things mom says is dangerous so!

At least he still reserves the snuggles for me and bedtime stories for when dad is away. He also gets to experience the little tantrums stage! Typically not being held is worth one or two protestant cries but not being able to swipe food from plates and play with controllers and important papers is worth a meltdown.

My husband didn’t know how to react the first time J had his first big meltdown since being back together, he kind of looked at me and then back at his red in the face son who couldn’t have a sip of soda. (It’s the end of the world as we know it) Needless to say he’s gotten a lot better and the distraction technique has well and been perfected!

He really did slip back into being around his dad easily however so I find it hard to believe that the next time he goes for a long period of time and comes back he won’t adjust well. I have faith in the both of them and myself that we can pull through this anxious time and not bite each others heads off entirely.

One thing I can say for sure that I am not happy about and that I didn’t miss is the amount of laundry and dishes that pile up….and at such an alarming rate! I think it is high time this momma had a spa day and came home to a clean house and a happy little stinker!

And neighbors that weren’t spiteful for no good reason! Might touch on that in my next post might not….time will tell! For now I am pretty sure my little guy is about to wake up so it’ll be time to play and maybe go for a random outside adventure, both the kids seem to enjoy them enough so might as well!

~Drace~

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