Growing up

My thoughts with a sleeping baby on me.
I’m also failing to accept he’ll be 1 soon!

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He’s getting so big, I remember when he was only 7lbs and my biggest worry was how I was going to sleep knowing he could wake up at any moment and need me, he needs me, but everyday he needs me just a little less than before.

And that’s a hard concept for me, that isn’t an easy pill to swallow and there’s no magic words to make him stop growing and learning. Is it fair to even want that? No. He deserves to grow up just like everyone else does. He’s healthy and happy and so so so strong. That’s not something I want to take for granted.

The difference between him sleeping on my chest now compared to 11 months ago is mind boggling, he’s changed so much, facial expressions, hand gestures, the way he mimics anything and everything he sees…..it’s astonishing. He’s learned so much in such a short span of time!

He’s fast outgrowing his pacifier and clothes, his first pair of shoes won’t fit for much longer and all these teeth that keep popping up only serve as a reminder that soon I won’t have an excuse to scoop him up into my arms and feed him, soon he might not want to be held, he’ll want to run around and play with other kids, spend time with just dad.

People say it flies by and that is no joke, I blinked and went from a quiet sleepy newborn to a bouncing babbling, VERY energetic and eager to learn almost 1 year old, as sad as I am I love it, I love watching him change and figure his little world out. He rises to new challenges and no matter how tough it is at first he sticks it out and sees it through and then boom! He’s on to the next thing.

I can’t take enough pictures and videos to capture these moments and my biggest fear is that one day I’ll forget something, when the movers came with our things they came with three boxes of heavy reminders. Three boxes of baby clothes long outgrown. The very first outfit he ever wore at the hospital and his favorite valentines teddy bear from Grammy.

Our first set of Christmas photos as a family, pajamas long outgrown and pictures of him sitting in my lap ‘opening’ his very first Christmas gifts.

He’s sleeping on me right now and I cannot believe what I’m seeing, in his facial expressions and actions during his liveliest moments all I can see is his dad, but sleeping now, peacefully snoring softly (just like dad) he looks like his own person, and obviously he is! He is an amazing little person who I still can’t believe I gave life to, to think I complained about my pregnancy lasting so long…now I just want time to slow down.

I want him to always cuddle up with me, but I know it won’t last forever so I need to savor each and every snuggle I can get, play with him as often as possible, one day soon (I imagine) he’ll be speaking to me, holding conversation, telling me what he wants for his birthday or begging to ride a bike without training wheels. It’s weird. It’s crazy.

Obviously when you have a baby you know that tiny little perfect person will grow up but it happens so quickly you hardly have time to process it…he’s going to be 1 soon and I’m still stuck on how I had him (in my mind) yesterday….I can’t remember too much of life before him now, not to say it wasn’t good because obviously it was but life now is unimaginably great! Even the stressful times, I wouldn’t trade them for the world.

I know he has to grow up but I sure hope he slows down just a little so I can capture a few extra minutes, get a few extra snuggles and kisses, a few more sippy cup fiascos! I’d even be happy cleaning green beans out of the dogs fur again if it meant time slowed even a fraction of a second!

I’ll be happy to settle if he has the knowledge of just how much I love him, how much I want out of life for him, how much I believe in him, I will gladly settle if he can confide in me and trust that I will always believe in him….I’ll settle for that gladly.

I’m sure next thing he’ll be doing is back sassing me….and I’ll have no one to blame but myself, he’s so cute already….the word no induces an utter meltdown so I can only imagine the predicament I’ll be in when he learns to say it himself.

He already wags his little hands at me when I tell him no or pick him up and remove him from whatever mess he’s trying to get into as if he’s rejecting my way of telling him not to get hurt/to be careful and stay out of trouble, the meltdowns don’t come out nearly as much as the hand wags and looks of strong baby disapproval, much like when he notices his sister is outside on the porch sunbathing, how dare she!

She loves him though, and she’s a very good ‘big sissy’ I wish she’d stop growing up so quickly on me too….

~Drace~

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